Showing posts with label Conor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conor. Show all posts

4/23/2018

Time to Do Better

My friend Lillian and her friend are starting a website called Time to Do Better, and Lillian asked me to write something about being white. Why is it easier to write when something is "assigned"?

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Without a doubt, I grew up at-risk – of being a racist asshole. If not for a few patient, caring teachers who taught me to take seriously my own humanity and the humanity of others, I would have graduated and gone on to living a comfortable, upper middle-class life, absolutely ignorant to the historical and systemic injustices that afforded me such a privilege.

I’m not being facetious. A favorite thinker of mine, a man whose work one of those humanity-saving teachers asked me to read, is Paulo Freire, a teacher who worked with adult students living in poverty in Brazil. Freire posits that in an oppressive system, both the oppressed and the oppressors are dehumanized. In other words, when we passively accept or actively participate in the dehumanization of others, we make monsters of ourselves. We become less human.

As a white American, I occupy a space in the oppressor class. That doesn’t mean that I’m never presented with obstacles. Living with unearned privilege does not mean living without pain. It just means, for example, that I’m not afraid that I’m going to be killed if I get pulled over for a broken tail light because my reaching for my license and registration is mistaken for my reaching for my gun.

Another one of those teachers who was concerned with my humanity asked me to read the work of literary giant James Baldwin. In the biographical notes that open his collection of essays, Notes of a Native Son, Baldwin explains, “I love America more than any country in the world, and, for exactly this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.” Word.

The United States became a global superpower largely because folks who came to be known as white people deployed white supremacy for their economic and political gain. America may have been founded on the ideals of liberty and justice for all, but it was also founded on a lack of integrity because they didn’t really mean “all.”

European immigrants with the capital and chutzpa to “own” land used physical and emotional violence to force African and indigenous people to work for free and other, poorer European immigrants to work for very little, harvesting a product that made the “landowners” very wealthy. As the wealth of those who thought that they could also “own” humans accumulated, they became increasingly afraid of losing that wealth and therefore increasingly determined to quash any efforts by the people producing it to claim some of it for themselves. Thus came the campaign to codify “whiteness,” both legally and in the court of public opinion. African and indigenous people – already coping with the trauma of having their homes, languages, and traditional ways of life stolen from them – lost any hope of organizing in solidarity with the poor but now “white” people toiling alongside them who had chosen – out of economic and religious desperation, to be sure, but chosen nonetheless – to come to what we call America. In claiming their “whiteness,” those poor European immigrants, exploited though they may have been, at least had the legal rights to “own” themselves and their children.

And as time went on, “white” folks established a growing number of protections and opportunities for themselves. Like, for example, in 2018, white police officers – the professional descendants of slave patrols – can kill people of color with almost guaranteed impunity.

My own ancestors didn’t think they owned any humans. My dad’s ancestors came from Ireland during the famine about a decade before the American Civil War. My dad actually moved back to Ireland to marry my mom, and there they had Michael, Johnny, and Conor, my three older brothers; they came back to the US in the 1980s and had me and my little brother Neil.

That our ancestors were in Ireland when “whiteness” became a thing doesn’t change the fact that we live now in a country that was built for “white” folks like us.

My brothers and I grew up in a fairly quiet collar suburb on the southwest side of Chicago. We lived frugally, I thought, but all of us kids went to Catholic school and we never let two years go by without a family trip home to Ireland.

The first indication I saw that this country wasn’t built for everyone came when I was in high school. Before my family had moved back to the States, Conor, at nine weeks old, had contracted meningitis, which severely damaged his brain and left him with profound disabilities. As he approached age 21, my parents discovered that unless we were willing to send him off to live in an assisted living facility, he was going to be summarily exited from the public school system with no place to go and no right to any further public services in our state. At the time, Illinois was ranked 51st in the nation for services for adults with disabilities, behind all 50 states and Puerto Rico.

My mom, looking at having to quit the part-time job she went to when he was at school, sought out training in political advocacy so she could learn to lobby our representatives on Conor’s behalf. With her new-found comrades, she also worked to keep closed a state mental institution that was notorious in the disability community for abuse and neglect, and she enlisted 15-year-old me to collect petitions from my friends at school.

Looking back, I can see how daily life with Conor – who needs to be fed and dressed, who wears diapers and doesn’t speak or otherwise communicate but makes seemingly random loud noises, who drools constantly, and who has frequent seizures – instilled in me the understanding that all people’s dignity and humanity must be respected and preserved no matter the efforts involved. If I let my brother sit in his own shitty diaper, for example, what does that say about me, about my dignity and humanity?

In his graceful, unconventional teaching style, Conor taught me how to communicate with people in power as a proxy for him, and even more importantly, he taught me that people in power would, if they could, ignore his rights. Ableism and racism aren’t the same, but understanding the former, I think, increased my chances of being willing to understand the latter.

Eventually I became a teacher, too. But thankfully, I didn’t stop getting taught.

Jamarrio sat in the front row in my third period class. One day early in the year, we were reading from the first chapter of Night, Elie Wiesel’s Holocaust memoir, when I noticed Jamarrio throwing his book down and laying his head on the desk. For some lucky reason, instead of telling him, “Head up, hun,” my go-to gentle admonition, I crouched down and whispered, “What’s up?”

“I can’t read this,” he told me. I figured that he was having difficulty reading the text, and I “knew” that I needed to respond in a way that would de-escalate his frustration and prevent the situation from turning into an issue of defiance.

Before I could respond, though, he continued, “These people are going to be killed. They can’t stop it, and no one is going to stand up for them. I’m not reading it.” I was stunned into silence. Not a lack of skill nor discipline, the reason he “couldn’t read” this book was the depth of his empathy for the victims of the Holocaust and his unwillingness to be another complicit witness to their story.

Guiltily, I realized that I had made the racist assumption that as a black teenage boy he must be a struggling reader. I had narrowly avoided reducing him to a negative stereotype; he had saved me from myself by letting me in on his emotional experience, gently teaching me that he was a fully complex human being just like me.

Countless studies demonstrate that the descendants of European immigrants in the US, rich or poor, continue to benefit politically and economically from the idea of whiteness, even when we’re not particularly powerful or wealthy.

There is, after all, lingering political power in being descended from a human legally affirmed as human rather than from a human legally made property. Look at how the Voting Rights Act of 1965 was gutted in 2013, making it demonstrably harder for the descendants of Africans to participate in the US democracy.

There is, after all, lingering economic power in being descended from a human who was allowed to own himself (if not herself) rather than from a human who was legally owned. Look at redlining, the deliberate racial segregation of Chicago starting in the 1930s, which created the ghettoes where the descendants of Africans continue to live without the public resources allocated through the higher property taxes of historically white neighborhoods.

White folks in the US have resources afforded us by the European immigrants who used white supremacy to establish the way we do things in this country, and we bear the pain, whether we feel it or remain numb to it, of having our dehumanization – and the dehumanization of people of color – normalized.

Having power – or not having power – isn’t what makes us human. But having power and using it to dehumanize others, or having power and not using it to defend those without it from dehumanization, makes us monstrous.

11/22/2015

Aunt Crappy

I love getting to know my brothers' kids personalities.

I was texting with my niece this morning about an art project I'm doing where I scaled up a photo, and she said, "Cool I love math and art good combo."

And I was FaceTiming with her brother who was teaching me about Minecraft, telling me that his favorite part is getting to play with other people on the server.  There's one friend he has, he told me, who gets bullied at school but has friends on Minecraft.

I bought a book for the little one the other night that is right in tune with his kind of twisted sense of humor.

7/26/2015

the axe-murderer

One of the pastors held a creative writing group at church this morning that was so cool.  Pitched, he told us, as something akin to a drop-in yoga class -- an hour of exercising (maybe exorcising).  Writing as a practice.

You've got Marvin to thank for this vomiting of posts this evening (and by "you," I mean, you, Mom, my only reader).  I've been noting things I've wanted to write about over the last couple of weeks, but I have not been making time for my practice.

In the group, I got to writing about Conor.  Marvin asked us to think about sensory details, to include colors, smells, and tastes.  Nothing like that struck me at the time, but as I laid (lie?) down for a nap this afternoon, it suddenly occurred to me to try to write what's below.

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It had to have been a summer day because I remember light streaming in, and I remember feeling like I richly deserved this Nachos Bell Grande I was about to eat, having survived another day of unending boredom at her office.  I used to make so many things -- stories, crafts, games, role-playing games -- out of that office paper they had with the tear off edges with the little holes.  I'd sit on the floor behind her desk bopping my head to the music of the dot matrix printer.  Florescent lighting.

So it had to be summer, because I remember that the natural lighting was such a relief. I could not wait to squeeze a few packets of that Mild Border Sauce onto those nachos.

Mom went up to order and sent me, Neil, and Conor to sit and wait at the table.  I'm remembering now that there was always the unspoken expectation to try to keep Conor relatively quiet.

I held his hands down, gently, with great disgust at their drooly-sliminess, resigned to tolerating it until I could wash my hands.  Let him rub all his cold, wet fingers all up and down my wrists and forearms as I tried to keep him from slamming his hand down on the formica table.

There wasn't anything special about the shouting he did in Taco Bell that day.  I mean, it was loud.  Puberty had started to deepen his voice.  So so loud.  Make you wince a little loud.  And, (presumably) pissed about the (as I said, gentle) restraining I was doing, he'd finish his few seconds of screaming by slamming himself backward in his shoulder and forcefully pulling his hand back up into his mouth for a little gnawing (and to recoat it with that good stuff).

Put that on repeat, cycled through every thirty seconds or so.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

Mom came over with the tray, and we all shared our amusement that he was doing the axe-murderer, as we called it (as we still call it).  A soft taco and some Coke exorcised him of that demon for the time being.

I remember noticing that other people were looking, and I remember genuinely not giving much of a shit.  

1/21/2015

candor. ha.

I have a vivid memory of being at an IEP meeting for Conor years ago, can’t remember when.  I was a little kid, not sitting at the table with my Mom and his teachers, but I was listening.  As a goal for that year, the teachers were suggesting that Conor be able to do the grocery shopping for our family.

(In those days, I very often did the grocery shopping with my Mom.  Doing the grocery shopping for our big-ass family meant two overflowing carts at Aldi and one at Jewel.  It took hours.)

The idea was that Mom would drive Conor to the grocery store and wheel him in with an envelope in his lap containing the list and some money. The grocery store staff would then wheel him around and get all the stuff.  Then, they’d bring him up to the front where the cashier would ring up his cart and take the money from the envelope.  Finally, they’d call my Mom to pick him up.  This was supposed to be a way that Conor could contribute to the family, that he could take on a chore.

Okay, for those of you who haven’t gotten to spend any time with our little man, check it:



My Mom lost her shit at that meeting. 

A couple of weeks ago, at another such meeting, she was thanked for her “candor” in response to another ridiculous goal set for Conor.  This time, the goal is: “With no more than three verbal prompts, Conor will independently eat at least twice per month with 50% accuracy for three consecutive months by January 13, 2016.”   What a serious crock of shit.

I don’t think I blame the staff at his day care center.  He’s able to go to this center (despite Illinois being the worst state in the Union in terms of services for adults with disabilities) because he’s got state funding to do so.  In order to keep the state funding, he’s got to prove that he’s working toward and meeting goals.  Always improving. 

HOLY FUCK, WHY?

He should get the services he needs because he needs them, and they cost what they cost. 

The header of the goals sheet they provided reads, “These goals help me to achieve my dreams and assist me to be as independent as possible.  They are what matters most to me and have been decided by myself with the assistance of those who are closest to me.  My support team will help me in achieving these goals by making sure I have all of the necessary supports and materials to make my dreams into a reality.”  I can see how such a statement might apply well in the cases of people whose ability profiles include more communicative capacity than Conor’s.  But in the case of Conor, how seriously disingenuous.


Conor’s experiences with this kind of “goal-setting” brings into focus for me the broader fixation that education policy-makers and professionals have with fixing people.  When I think, “Holy shit, just let him be,” I must also wonder who else (and how else) is also being done so heinously wrong by the way we approach education.  Onward and upward!


3/22/2009

But now I'm home.


And relaxing on the couch with Conor. Who makes a relaxation sesh much more relaxing. Even though he leaves a lot of drool on my shirt.

8/02/2008

My favorite brother

turns 25 today! And to celebrate, since I can't be at home, I've uploaded some vintage shots of The Guck-meister.

Here's Condor sitting on the kitchen counter at our house in Burbank (Mom, check out this link! I can't believe how cool Google Maps has gotten!) with a bunch of dirt in all of his orifices. He used to eat the houseplant in the fronch room. It was there, so he ate it. It happens:

Ha. I can't look at that picture without laughing. Look at how it's all matted into his shirt, and he's like, "What."

Here's Con and I showing some love in his old room. (It looks like I have no less than 4 bows in my hair. Thanks, Mom.):


Here he is circa 2007, sharing his shit with our niece Finola:


A rare (because no one cares) Dahlke kid photo that's pre-Ellen and Neil:

8/13/2007

really really ridiculously good-looking

Dad, Conor, Finola, Eoin, Johnny, Neil, Mom, Michael, and me

My whole family was home this weekend for the first time that I can remember in a loooong time, not including the odd Christmas here and there. Pretty big deal. All day Saturday we mutted around in the yard and in the pool blasting Wilco albums. Is this heaven? No, it's Evergreen Park.