A few things

Since deciding to leave Oakland and move back to Champaign-Urbana, I've been reflecting a lot on what I came here to the Bay for. Like, what did I receive here? How has this place changed me? What have I done here that's changed me? How have I been changed by what I've given?

I keep not writing about it because I keep getting stuck at wanting to be comphrensive or have some conclusion to make. Today, the women at the nail salon in my neighborhood told me they'd miss seeing me. A few of them have kids in Oakland high schools, so we often chat about district politics when I'm there. One woman put her hand on my hand and kept it there when I told her my mom is dying. I keep having moments like this where I'm overwhelmingly grateful for my community here. 

I decided then to just write in the dribbles that it comes to me. Maybe later I'll see some grand unifying theory.

So here's a list of some stuff I love that I learned about in the Bay:

-- gel manicures and pedicures (and their restorative value)

-- shiatsu massage (and how it's most effective for me if I can do an appointment a week for three weeks)

-- açaí berries

-- hiking

-- deeper knowledge of the history of the Black Panther Party

-- Bikram yoga (noted: the man is rapey and steals other people's work)

-- smoking weed

-- steak fries

-- Ethiopian food

-- I don't love the wedding dress industry but I did learn about it and got trying beautiful wedding dresses on all out of my system without having to actually get married.

-- "Tell Me When to Go," "Blow the Whistle," and "Thizz Dance"

-- burritos al pastor

-- pork buns

-- going on strike

-- emergent strategy

-- prison abolition

-- Marshawn Lynch 

-- pomegranates, persimmons, dinosaur kale, and loquats

-- LED lights

-- outsider art

-- donut shops

-- the color of Redwood bark

-- pupusas

All this stuff makes my life better. 

waking

I'm in the midst of a meds change, and it's been difficult, but I'm hopeful.

Before, I was sleeping about twelve hours a night, and taking a one or two hour nap every day.  That's a lot of sleep, and that's no way to live.  It's just that it's hard to figure out whether I'm sleeping because I'm depressed or sleeping because I'm being sedated.  The two possibilities don't feel exactly the same, obviously, but the element they share is that the only thing that I want to do is go to bed and stay there.

So far, three weeks into the transition now, I am feeling a change.  The last three mornings, I've woken up way before my alarm at 5:30 feeling not tired.  (I'd forgotten what not tired feels like.)

I've taken a cup of coffee and walked down to the beach.  I'm the only one there except for Kimo, an older (than me) Black guy who does tai chi on the upper deck of the beach house from 5:30 to 8 every morning.

Margaret and Scott brought this back for me from their honeymoon.  Kind and thoughtful people.
I love that I can wrap my hand into the mug.  Stay warm that way.

I haven't brought anything to do -- no music or podcasts or reading or writing.  I'm liking that I just get to sit there, being awake.  

gratitude walk

A friend from church posts photos on FB every morning of his "gratitude walk."  Even though it sounds self-explanatory, I keep meaning to ask him what that's all about.

My mood the last month or so has been foul.  I'm going to go to the doctor, but I'm also going to try to do something I know works: remembering to be grateful.

(1) It doesn't matter that my finger is in this photo because it takes me ten minutes to walk to this beach and I do so several times a week.  And it's warm enough to lay in my bathing suit, but there's always a breeze, so I don't get sweaty.  (And I am a sweaty person.)

(2) Most of my time at work is spent with other women that I really like.  And a good enough amount of the time is spent putting on cool/nasty dresses and dickin around.

(3) My new friend Anne is 74, so wise, so funny, and has pink walls in her living room.

(4) I discovered this store in my neighborhood.  It's the Chinese, way better version of The Container Store (or I'm assuming because I've never been there.)  So much symmetry, and so much of things fitting exactly in their right places.  Peace.

(5) Salads in jars.  Put the dressing at the bottom and stuff that won't get soggy on top of it.  Then, when it's time to eat it, shake the shit out of the jar and the dressing gets on all of it.  Game changer for me.  For the last seven years, I've eaten a turkey sandwich, pretzels, and two apples for lunch because they pack easy.  

(6) Jess helping me to figure out what to wear also demonstrates that I am known.  

I really like to feel known.